[Hellrazor]

When your brother is living with a person that likes to spend money but doesnt like to work (has been offered employment but turns them down for various unreasonable excuses), does not discipline/mother her child (with severe learning and social disabilities) and is oblivioius to his health (he had heart surgery at 32 last year - aerotic valve needed replacing).... what do you say to your brother after watching this crap for 4 years and trying to accept it.... Its no longer acceptable....

Advice please: leave it alone or jump right in and ask my brother to give his head a shake?

 

[gypsichic]

what does your brother think about it?

 

[Hellrazor]

thats the problem, hes pretty much blind to it. He is starting to make his cracks and frustrations known himself then hes all enthralled with her. I want him to know that we are there for him if he makes a change and I dont want him to feel alone while making a change if he chooses to do so. But the conversation may go off the wrong way, thats what Im worried about.

I also think he feels that this is his "last chance" at a family and relationship. He will be 34 soon and thinks that is "old" for finding a "someone" - his feelings do not necessarily reflect the views of this writer LOL

 

[gypsichic]

why not just say exactly that and then move on to something else

he may feel that way about the rx (relationship) at 34 but feelings change. Feelings are just feelings they are not facts

bottom line is: you can't control what he does ....... say something to him once MAYBE twice but anything after that and you might be trying to control him because you're uncomfortable
he may have some valuable lessons to learn in this deal, if you try to rescue and save him you might rob him of those lessons

folks in my life have their own paths and i have to respect that

 

[slightlymad]

Love is blind I agree say it once reassure him he has your support and leave it alone. I have watched the best of families ripped apart by just this sort of thing.
gypsichic says it better than i even could

 

[Hellrazor]

Cool Guys thanks, I knew that was the right answer but needed to bounce it around.

Excellent advice. When the opportunity arises, I will offer my support in the decisions he makes and leave it at that.

 

[Death's Door]

Hell, 34 isn't old at all. If he stays in the relationship - that could make him old with all that responsibility and no help from her. Seen that also with my own eyes.

 

[SpectreTTM]

When your brother is living with a person that likes to spend money but doesnt like to work (has been offered employment but turns them down for various unreasonable excuses), does not discipline/mother her child (with severe learning and social disabilities) and is oblivioius to his health (he had heart surgery at 32 last year - aerotic valve needed replacing).... what do you say to your brother after watching this crap for 4 years and trying to accept it.... Its no longer acceptable....

Advice please: leave it alone or jump right in and ask my brother to give his head a shake?

A few questions. You don't have to answer them if too personal.

Any alcoholism in the family?

Is your brother the very helpful type?

The reason why I ask these questions is that I was in a bad relationship for way too long. What finally brought it to a head was that the person I was in a relationship decided that she wanted a child and stopped taking her birth control without telling me. Needless to say I have a very large Child support payment to deal with every month (Massachusetts really bites). That was the last straw I only deal with her when I pick up and drop off my daughter for visitation. The worse thing is that I'm stuck with this woman for the rest of my life because I love my daughter and want to give her a chance in life.

What I later realise was that I was in a codependent relationship with this woman who basically has "Borderline personality disorder" which causes her to be self destructive at times. I grew up with 2 older alcoholic brothers. One of which had violent tendencies when drunk. This caused me to be a Fixer/ helper. Always believing that they will change or get better. They don't and most likely never will. But this doesn't stop me from trying to help.

There is a school of thought that if you grow up in an alcoholic household you will either become an alcoholic or become a fixer. This has caused me to get into situations where I help people to the detriment of my self. Really tough to deal with. But Now that I'm aware of the codependency tendencies I have I can avoid such situations. Or at least try to.

If you think it might be the case maybe you can read up on it.

Bottom line is that you cannot tell someone else what to do all you can do is make them aware of possibilities of what might be going on. The rest is up to them on how they use the information.

I know this is most likely too much info but I figure it might be helpful.

Good luck

 

[Hellrazor]

Thank you for sharing that. What great insite. I dont believe there is an alcohol abuse problem... however, he is a "softy" and never ever starts or continues an arguement or "issue" unlike his little sister .

I do feel there may be other issues in her family life causing her to feel the need for someone to support and stand for her and he feels he needs to do that. Im sure theres is alot to say for that.

It still doesnt stop me from wanting to "get involved" cuz I love my bro. But will take all advise given here... I will let him learn and pick up the pieces when or if something happens. I will continue my small comments that are not too dangerous in the mean time and ensure he knows that I care.

thanks,

 

[BloodyRose]

If it were my brother i'd let him sort it out himself, not my place to tell him what to do and i wouldn't risk my relationship with him. He's 34 years old you say. i'm sure he'll tire of his situation soon enough and come to that conclusion on his own, all you need to do is be there for him if and when he does.

I don't have first hand experience with this kind of situation because well my younger brother is 35 and still lives with our parents LOL! but that's alright at least i know he's there taking care of them in there old age.