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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
ABBOTT: Well Costello, I'm going the Graveyard with you. You know, Bucky Bones, the cemetery's owner gave me a job as gravedigger for as long as you're on the team.

COSTELLO: Look Abbott, if you're the gravedigger, you must know all the stiffs.

ABBOTT: Right, certainly do.

COSTELLO: Well, I never met the guys, so you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's in the ground.

ABBOTT: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these dead people nowadays, very peculiar names.

COSTELLO: You mean funny names?

ABBOTT: Strange names, pet names. Like, Les Moore, Ima Stiffie, and…

COSTELLO: Will B Back.

ABBOTT: Will B… oh I see! Well let's see, we have in the first row, we have Who's in the first, What's in the second, and I Don't Know is in the third.

COSTELLO: That's what I want to find out.

ABBOTT: I say, Who's in the first, What's in the second, and I Don't Know's in the third.

COSTELLO: Are you the gravedigger?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: You going to be the bill collector too?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: And you don't know the fellow's names?

ABBOTT: Well I should.

COSTELLO: Well then who is in the first?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: I mean the fellow's name.

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: The guy in the first.

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: The first dead guy.

ABBOTT: Who!

COSTELLO: The guy in the first grave.

ABBOTT: Who is in the first.

COSTELLO: I'm asking you who's in the first!

ABBOTT: That's the man's name.

COSTELLO: That's whose name?

ABBOTT: Yeah.

COSTELLO: Well go ahead and tell me.

ABBOTT: That's it.

COSTELLO: That's who?

ABBOTT: Yeah.

(Pause)

COSTELLO: Look, you got a body in the first grave?

ABBOTT: Certainly.

COSTELLO: Who's buried first?

ABBOTT: That's right.

COSTELLO: When you send off the bill every month, whose family gets the bill?

ABBOTT: Each and every month.

COSTELLO: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name in first grave.

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: The guy's family that gets the bill.

ABBOTT: That's it.

COSTELLO: Whose family pays the money on first grave?

ABBOTT: They do, every dollar! Sometimes his widow comes down and pays it.

COSTELLO: Whose widow?

ABBOTT: Yes. (Pause) What's wrong with that?

COSTELLO: Look, all I want to know is when you sold up the first gravesite, how did he sign his name to the contract?

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: The guy.

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: How did he sign it?

ABBOTT: That's how he signed it!

COSTELLO: Who?

ABBOTT: Yes.

(Pause)

COSTELLO: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name in the first grave.

ABBOTT: No, what's in the second grave.

COSTELLO: I'm not asking who's in the second.

ABBOTT: Who is in the first!

COSTELLO: One grave at a time!

ABBOTT: Well don't change the bodies around!

COSTELLO: I'm not changing nobody!

ABBOTT: Take it easy, buddy.

COSTELLO: All I'm asking you, who's the guy in the first grave?!

ABBOTT: That's right.

COSTELLO: Okay.

ABBOTT: Alright.

(Pause)

COSTELLO: What's the guy's name in the first grave?!

ABBOTT: No, What is in the second!

COSTELLO: I'm not asking you who's in the second!

ABBOTT: Who's in the first.

COSTELLO: I don't know.

ABBOTT: Oh, he's in the third. We're not talking about him. Now let's get back to the first.

COSTELLO: Now how did I get to the third grave?

ABBOTT: Well you mentioned his name.

COSTELLO: If I mentioned the third dead guy's name, who did I say's buried third?

ABBOTT: No, Who's buried first.

COSTELLO: What's in the first?

ABBOTT: What's in the second.

COSTELLO: I don't know.

ABBOTT: He's in the third.

COSTELLO: There I go, back on third again!

(Pause)

COSTELLO: Will you stay in the third grave and don't get out of it?

ABBOTT: Alright, what do you want to know?

COSTELLO: Now who's buried in the third grave?!

ABBOTT: Why do you insist on putting Who in the third grave?

COSTELLO: What am I putting in the third?!

ABBOTT: No, What is in the second.

COSTELLO: You don't want who in the second?!

ABBOTT: No, Who is in the first.

COSTELLO: I don't know!

Both: Third grave!

(Pause)

COSTELLO: Look, you got other buried in the next row?

ABBOTT: Sure. Three guys.

COSTELLO: The left guy's name?

ABBOTT: Why.

COSTELLO: I just thought I'd ask you.

ABBOTT: Well I just thought I'd tell you.

COSTELLO: Then tell me who is buried on the left.

ABBOTT: Who is buried first.

COSTELLO: I'm not…Stay out of the first row! I want to know, what's the guy's name in the left grave?

ABBOTT: No, What is in the second.

COSTELLO: I'm not asking who's in the second.

ABBOTT: No, Who is in the first.

COSTELLO: I don't know.

Both: Third grave!

(Pause)

COSTELLO: And left dead guy's name?

ABBOTT: Why!

COSTELLO: Because.

ABBOTT: No, he's in the center grave.

COSTELLO: (Fumbles words loudly)

ABBOTT: Well that's the fellow's name.

COSTELLO: Look, look, look, you got an assistant?

ABBOTT: Sure.

COSTELLO: The assistant's name?

ABBOTT: Tomorrow.

COSTELLO: You don't want to tell me today?

ABBOTT: I'm telling you now.

COSTELLO: Well go ahead.

ABBOTT: Tomorrow.

COSTELLO: What time?

ABBOTT: What time what?

COSTELLO: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's assisting you?

ABBOTT: Now listen, Who is not assisting. Who is in...

COSTELLO: I'll break your arm you say who's in the first! I want to know, what's the assistant's name?

ABBOTT: What's in the second grave!

COSTELLO: I don't know!

Both: Third grave!

(Pause)

COSTELLO: Got a groundskeeper?

ABBOTT: Certainly.

COSTELLO: The groundskeeper's name.

ABBOTT: Today.

COSTELLO: Today? And tomorrow's assisting?

ABBOTT: Now you've got it.

COSTELLO: All we got is a couple of days in the cemetery. You know, I'm a groundskeeper too.

ABBOTT: So they tell me.

COSTELLO: I get on the mower, do some fancy yard work. Tomorrow's digging a new grave and a heavy storm blows in.

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Now, the heavy storm blows in. The wind knocks over a memorial wreath, me being a good groundskeeper, I want to return it right grave, I think it goes to the guy in the first. So I pick up the wreath, and return it to who?

ABBOTT: Now that's the first thing that you've said right.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

ABBOTT: Well that's all you have to do!

COSTELLO: Is return the wreath to the first grave?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Now who's got it?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

(Pause)

COSTELLO: Look, if I return the wreath to the first grave, somebody's grave has got to get it. Now who has it?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: Who?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: Naturally?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: So I pick up the wreath and return it to Naturally?

ABBOTT: No you don't! You return the wreath to Who!

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: That's different.

COSTELLO: That's what I said.

ABBOTT: You're not saying that.

COSTELLO: I return the wreath to Naturally?

ABBOTT: You return it to Who.

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: That's it.

COSTELLO: That's what I said!

ABBOTT: Listen, you ask me.

COSTELLO: I return the wreath to who?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: Now you ask me.

ABBOTT: You return the wreath to Who?

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: That's it.

COSTELLO: Same as you!

ABBOTT: You just changed them around.

COSTELLO: Same as you! I return the wreath to who. The wind blows it away again, who's widow picks up the wreath, takes it to what, what's widow takes it to I don't know, I don't know's widow takes back to tomorrow, triple play!

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Another storm sets in, and it's wreaths all over the place. Why? I don't know, he's in the third grave, and I don't give a darn!

ABBOTT: Oh…What?

COSTELLO: I said, I don't give a darn!

ABBOTT: Oh, that's our stonecarver.

COSTELLO: (Fumbles words loudly)
 

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Batty Beautiful
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ah yes, gotta love the classics!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Only took a little bit of time, after finding the text on the internet. Most of it was cake, although it got a little track to the end...
 
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